Who said: If this sauce were a person, I’d get naked and make love to it.

Who said: When a 22-year-old girl marries a man who’s 80, chances are she is not after his body.

Who said: I’ve spent $40,000 on shoes and I have no place to live?! I will literally be the old woman who lived in her shoes.

Who said: Eat dirt and die, trash!

Who said:  Do Any Of You Have A Completely Unremarkable Friend, Or Maybe A Houseplant I Could Go To Dinner With On Saturday Night?

Who said: I thought you wore too much makeup and were a slut. I was wrong. You don’t wear too much makeup.

Who said: Listen To Me. The Right Guy Is An Illusion. Start Living Your Lives

Who said: The country runs better with a good looking man in the White House. I mean, look what happened with Nixon. No one wanted to f— him, so he f—ed everyone.

Who said: I've been having a good time, and there wasn't a man in the room. 

Who said: Men in their forties are like the New York Times Sunday crossword puzzle: tricky, complicated, and you’re never really sure you got the right answer

Who said: Fasten your seatbelt, slut puppy. This ain't gonna be no cakewalk.

Who said: Soul mates only exist in the Hallmark aisle of Duane Reade Drugs.